Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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