I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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