I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
