dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
