This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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