Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
