you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
