I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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