I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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