Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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