I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
