I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
