I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
