If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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