I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
