And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
