I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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