my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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