i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
