I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
