Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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