I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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