even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
