I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
