I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
