Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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