He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i now understand why vodka
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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