I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
