its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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