i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
