I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
