Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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