I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
