you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
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My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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