I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
