I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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