LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
