Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
