Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
