Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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