It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
