I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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