I wish my penis had an off switch
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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