You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize