i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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