I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
