shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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