Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I cut my penus on the lid.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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