I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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