Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
