I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
