Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
