All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
