My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
