I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
