Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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