I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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