I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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