I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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