Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
