She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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